“You're really good at de-escalating situations."

A work acquaintance said this to me recently. After joking that having four tweens and teenagers gives me plenty of practice, I paused to consider what I actually do when team members come to me with concerns or frustrations during our one-to-one meetings. I'd never consciously analysed my approach before!

Having reflected, here are my key principles for taking the heat out of heightened workplace conversations and helping team members move from frustration to a more resourceful place:

1️⃣Listen. *Really* listen.

Indicate that someone has your complete attention through your body language. Small acts like closing your laptop or turning your phone face-down (even when you weren't using them) signal that the person is important to you.

2️⃣Don't interrupt, even when you think you've grasped the point.

This one is particularly difficult for me! I expend significant cognitive energy holding myself back. Sometimes people need to release steam before they can move to solutions. Professor Steve Peters calls this "exercising the chimp" in his excellent book, The Chimp Paradox.

3️⃣Validate and show empathy without judgement

Use phrases like "that does sound difficult" or "I can see why that would feel frustrating." Sometimes I summarise what I've heard: "So what I'm understanding is... have I got that right?" This confirms understanding while showing genuine engagement.

4️⃣Check readiness before problem-solving

Moving to solutions is *vital* to prevent getting stuck in venting cycles. However, I can be prone to rushing this stage, particularly at home! Sometimes people need more processing time, so consider asking: "Do you feel ready to explore solutions together, or shall we come back to this soon?”

What techniques have you found effective when team members bring challenging situations or interpersonal conflicts to your attention?